Friday, September 30, 2011

Sharing Words

Recently, well, within the past 6 or so months, I have been reaching out online for chronic pain support. Along the way, I have met some amazing people and even some I can call friends! I have been blessed by all the support! For those that know me, I am a giant nerd at heart and my 2nd favorite book is my thesaurus, (the first is my Bible- there is NO beating that one-that is straight from the Word of God, but that is another blog,lol). Word have always been my thing... I love them, their meaning, their differences, how we can tell so much by just one word! Our words have such meaning and such an effect on our lives and those around us.... Beth Moore once said, "God words are omnipotent, but our words are POTENT". Definitely are words carry a lot of weight and meaning behind them.

Having fibromyalgia has changed the way I see the world and they way I express myself and what I immerse myself in.... One of the things that has been beyond helpful are the "inspirational quotes and stories" of so many others out there, like me, suffering alone with bodies that hurt.... I try to will away the pain, it's still here... so what I have to do is make it through the pain.... and that is where support from others has been a vital key! I read others stories, ways they cope, hints and tips.... and that's just the surface.... I also feel like I know some of them, pray for them, think about them, talk to some of them, and call them "my fibro friends and family"! We are pain warriors and fighters and also family as we are connected by the invisible thread that connects us together in ways that have been touching and endearing and sometimes even, life changing!

So today I was online and on facebook, yes, I use facebook, most people do, they just don't want to admit it! It can be used for bad, but it can also be a tool used for fighting fibro and that is my focus on it and for what I've put in, I have received back ten-fold!  Ok, back to me being on facebook today.... I was on the page for fibro called http://www.facebook.com/fibro.fighterz   and it lead me to another site http://fibrofighterz.weebly.com/our-storiez.html   and on that page I read some stories of other woman with fibro and how they found out, cope with it, and how it has effected their lives as well. One of the woman mentioned "4 rules she lives by", and they were good. Short and simple and makes life much less complicated.....

"It is my opinion that it is better not to dwell on your illnesses, but rather to be happy with what you have in life. I live by four rules. One, I only do things that make me happy, two, I live very close to God (this does not mean I get to church every Sunday, because sometimes I am in a lot of pain), three, I say no more often, and four, I try to stay as healthy as possible under the circumstances. I find that all four rules go with one another. If you keep one you keep the other." (Barbaraane's Story)

The first one probably spoke to me the most, but so did 2 and also 3 and 4! Fibromyalgia is hard enough if you are in a situation that is not healthy or good for you, both emotionally and physically! I am gonna definitly ask myself next time, does this make ME happy? Is this/Am I living close to God? I will say NO WAY more often, lol. and lastly, and something I just put as a facebook status, keep working on STAYING as healthy as possible..... and doing that takes the first 3.... wonderful rules for a fibro-mite to live by!

I am so grateful for all the other woman out there that are brave and stand up and fight and share it also!!! It is not easy living with something that "seems" invisible.... It's effects are VERY visible, items like things I've lost or can't do anymore, little things like the laundry piling up (well, it's not THAT little, lol) to the things in life that make you who you are.... chronic pain has completely changed me, and while I would love to have a life without pain, that is not my life. My life is here and now and all I can do is pray that God sees me through each and every day and that in the end my life will bring Him glory..... Like I once heard, May I be God's sparkle! And may I see the the happiness only God can bring. I pray... Lord,  help me to look and see the positives in my life THROUGH the pain and despite the pain. Help me to not just live the life I have, but to be happy with it, which comes from You and Your Joy!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

One day at a time

Fibromyalgia.... just the word itself makes my mind conjure up all sorts of feelings, from the lows to the highs, fibromyalgia is a life changer for sure. I watched soul surfer this morning and they asked her if she could go back and not have gone out that day when the shark attacked her, would she? And she said no, because of who it made her today.  I want to have this attitude when it comes to my fibro.... but it is VERY VERY hard!!

I am slower and limited, but I have learned unconditional love and learned to let go of things I can't control and learned that things will be ok.... somehow, someway, they find a way of working themselves out.... There are days when living with fibro seems like the end of the world, and on the other extreme, days when I feel like a "true warrior" I fight and persevere so much! My children have learned empathy, compassion and caring because of my illness.....

For all the bad that comes with fibro, I have to believe that there is some good in it, that something good can come out of it, and God can use it for His good, His glory! I don't know why me or how it'll all play out, but I know that I am His princess and He holds me close and sees me through 1 day at a time.... and sometimes that's the only to be.... to live.... 1 day at a time! Together and offering support, we can all make it though....

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Happy Star Saturday :)

The past week sucked, pain and pain and more pain!!! It is SO hard when a fibromite gets a cold and a flu before that.... it was terrible.... BUT, this morning when I woke up and can truly say that the flare-up is subsiding and I feel sooo much better.... even went out with the girls to JCP and did some "extreme coupon" shopping and it was SOOO good, gotta love "retail therapy"! (This is what I posted on my fibro fb page) . Happy Saturday, tonight we are gonna go to a star party at the reservoir it is gonna be fun!!! So glad to be feeling better! Thank you Lord!!! :)    It is a happy day for me cuz I'm feeling better, love it when my fibro calms!!!! 

Friday, September 23, 2011

Flipped for Joy

Friday is here and no school today.... Our local school district is trying something new, the 2nd Friday of every month is a half day and I think that every 4th Friday is a teacher in-service day, It's to kinda sorta try out the "no school Friday" idea; it would help out with the budget. So they are home and my house, well, it's messy, but filled with love, lol!! :)

Life is a funny thing, just when you think life is supposed to be one way, whoosh! It takes a turn.... I am so glad that I have God and more importantly He has me! Thank You Lord for another day, for holding me close, for seeing me through life's ups and downs, for helping me keep sane with my fibro, and if at all possible, I do still pray for a miracle and would to love to have a life without fibro, but Lord, I would rather have fibro and have you than be "on the top" and be without joy, for You are my hope and my joy, what makes me me! Thank You Lord for my joy which can and only does come from You!!! In Jesus' name, Amen  ~B

Thursday, September 22, 2011

63 symptoms of fibro


63 Symptoms Of Fibro



 Sharing this from a support group on fb, Thanks Melissa! :)    By Melissa Sharp · Last edited on Wednesday · Edit Doc
No More Fibromyalgia
  • 63 symptoms of Fibromyalgia Keep in mind that these are not all the symptoms by any means, just a list that were mentioned by different patients and friends.
    __ recurrent flu-like illness
    __ recurrent sore throats, red and injected
    __ painful lymph nodes under the arms and neck
    __ muscle and joint aches with tender and trigger points - up to 18 of them
    __ night sweats and fever
    __ severe nasal and other allergies
    __ irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
    __ weight change - usually gain
    __ heart palpitations
    __ mitrial valve prolapse
    __ severe PMS
    __ yeast infections
    __ rashes and itching
    __ uncomfortable or frequent urination
    __ interstitial bladder cystitis
    __ chest pains (non-cardiac)
    __ temporomandibular joint dysfunction (in the jaw)
    __ hair loss
    __ carpal tunnel syndrome
    __ cold hands and feet
    __ dry eyes and mouth
    __ severe and debilitating fatigue
    __ widespread pain
    __ other chronic illness(es) usually present (like diabetes, hypoglycemia, asthma, lupus, ms, etc.)
__ numbness in the limbs, not painful like pins & needles
__ painful swelling in the hands, legs, feet, neck
__ GERDs (gastro-esophageal reflux disorder)
__ “growing pains” start in childhood and teens, continue into adulthood
__ widespread body pain during/after physical exertion
COGNITIVE FUNCTION PROBLEMS
__ attention deficit disorder
__ spatial disorientation
__ calculation difficulties
__ memory disturbance
__ communication difficulties (problems speaking, confusing words)
PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS
__ depression
__ anxiety and panic attacks
__ personality changes, usually for the worse
__ emotional liability (mood swings)
OTHER NERVOUS SYSTEM PROBLEMS
__ sleep disturbances
__ headaches
__ changes in visual acuity
__ numb or tingling feelings
__ burning sensations
__ light headedness
__ feeling 'spaced out'
__ desequilibrium
__ frequent unusual nightmares and disturbing dreams
__ tinnitus (ringing in the ears)
__ difficulty in moving your tongue to speak
__ severe muscle weakness
__ susceptibility to muscle, tendon, ligament injury
__ intolerance to bright lights
__ intolerance to alcohol
__ intolerance to sound
__ extreme sensitivity to medications and their side-effects
__ alteration of taste, smell, and hearing
__ insomnia
__ inability to achieve stage 4 restorative sleep
__ morning stiffness in the muscles and joints
__ restless leg syndrome
__ muscle spasms
__ muscle quakiness and shivering during/after activity

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Tuesday's Treasure

I have two wonderful and amazing and beautiful and wonderful daughters. My oldest is 15 and a freshman this year in high school and my youngest is 11 and a 6th grader in middle school.  They are my pride and joy. Not just mine, but their father's as well.  While their father and I may not be together anymore as a couple, we will be forever connected because of our daughters! We are co-parents. And we have worked very hard to get to where we are today, to work together for the benefit of them! Not us, them!  We work and try as hard as we do because we love them with all our hearts! We love them unconditionally, and as much as we love them, imagine how much God does!!!

Tonight's topic that their father and I and later my oldest and her dad, with me their: teens, boys, and dating! AHHHH!!!!!! (I have a reservation for the padded room for when they both are teens...) No, in all honesty, I have great daughters.  My oldest has a boyfriend and he met her dad last night, well, he called me today and we visited about teenage boys and his baby, he is very protective and with all rights, he should be! I wouldn't want it any other way!  So we met up this evening and visited. Then he visited with our daughter and told her all about boys, teen-age boys, and omg!!! I thought they were bad, but he was one and laid it out there, she is old enough! I grew up with just my mom and gma, him, with his dad and 3 other brothers, so he knows boys! And after he left, my daughter and I were talking and she said, "I know dad knows what he's talking about when it comes to boys". Yes he does sweetie and we don't want you to be with a guy who does NOT treasure you!

I even learned some things tonight. My ex, he is very good at explaining, teaching, metaphors and getting down to the heart while keeping calm (we are not talking his and my relationship here, lol).  Boys should treat you like a treasure, not a possession... you are too good for _____. He isn't worthy of you. Boys are addicts to what they haven't even had yet..... boys are walking hormones (nice way to put it)..... boys will say all the right things to get you to think a certain way.... they try to lower your boundaries.... sweet talk.... lower your defenses.... teenage boys think with one thing, not their brain either..... young and dumb and.....  He laid it all out there for her without judgement.... but with her and her protection in mind.....Not because we don't trust her, but because people are still human, even her... to keep her from regrets....  We are actually giving her our trust with dating and we just needed to make sure she goes into dating with her eyes wide open and that she realize what trust we are giving her in dating as well!

The truth shall set you free...  Teen age boys are/can be total pigs and they can be focused on one thing and we are gonna protect her with all we have and then some..... She is a young lady and I'm glad we/he was able to have this conversation with her and she listened and took it to heart.... It was eye opening to say the least. She is a treasure!!!! Girls, if the boy doesn't treasure you, RUN the other way!!! You are too good for him and he is not worthy of you! We are treasures and boys may not see it, but God ALWAYS does! We are HIS treasure, the apple of His eye.... He love us more than we can and will ever know!!!

I am His princess and my worth is more than any treasure this world has to offer.... His treasure! I am His and He holds me in the palm of His hand and will never let me go.... He is my hope and my joy and I am His! Oh, to be treasured by God! To be His daughter.... to be called by name..... to be held by His strong hand and His everlasting love.... I am and forever will be... TREASURED!

true thoughts on true love

Today is Tuesday and today's thoughts, true love, does it exist?  I'm beginning to think it doesn't. I used to believe in it, but what makes some couples make it and some don't? I hear today the divorce rate is 65% now..... the leading cause of divorce: marriage!! (that's a good one, not mine, but I concur with itit !)

Does true love exist? With God it does, with man, uhhh.... men.... uuhhhhh, well, I am starting to wonder if I will ever fall in love or meet Mr. Right, or if I have, do I even know? My heart is full with my girls and my dogs.... and it is probably me whose heart is shut off.... can only handle so much! I am so tired of letting people in only to hurt later.....

I like my life and the balance and the flow.... but sometimes, especially at night when my brain is racing, is this what I want? I live everyday with pain, literally with fibromyalgia, so do I need a "pain-in-the-butt" bf to go along with my life? what is the end goal? Can I ever let someone in? Lord, what is Your plan for my life and Your purpose? Help me to see where You want me to go, what roads You have for me and who an if there is that special someone, may he love me even a little bit as You! May I be his treasure and know it and feel it and prepare hearts..... giving my heart and love life to you Lord.... Jesus' name, Amen

Monday, September 19, 2011

Monday sux

Well, it's Monday and it feels like a Monday! My feelings are hurt and I am still getting over my cold and it makes my fibro hurt.... I know I can be cranky at times, but where is the understanding for how I'm feeling, my pain, sometimes I just feel alone and it sux.... I know that I will be ok and this too shall pass, and so will the cold (how many zinc later?!?)  It is amazing how pain can distort how I/people see things! I don't know what part is my pain, and if I should even really be upset? I just don't do well when people pull away.... I do that, I know I need to and have been working on it, but if you know my insecurities and how I struggle, do you really care? Do you even know whats going on in my head, my heart, my life, with me?!? I should be catching up on housework and laundry, but whenever I try to do stuff, my head starts to feel such pressure, my muscles ache, I'm achy and tired and feel miserable RIGHT NOW! I am very thankful for my online fibro support.... it means SSOOO much to me, others just like me, giving and receiving support, through prayers, notes, pics and such.... it has blessed me immensely! I am in a new group on fb called the silver lining of fibromyalgia and not only is it a place to vent and share, it is also a place to try and find some positive, and with pain, it can feel like there is only negative and takes work to see the positive... this site continually reminds me to try and see the positive and I have been trying to..... but it's hard when I feel like an I, not a we, with those in my life that I thought should care...... One step in front of the other, one day at a time, and even one moment by moment at a time if that's what the day calls for! I am so grateful for the support system I have and I probably need to just be honest about how I'm feeling.... in doing so, it may not go the way I hope, but at least I will know that I spoke from my heart and share my feelings with an attitude of listening and not just through my own lense of hurt.... I've said it once, and I know it's true, it is SO HARD to let people in, the pain I feel, it is mine to bear, but deep down, I don't wanna be alone, but letting people in and they just hurt me.... that sux too!!! Ultimately I hope and pray that the people in my life will show me understanding, acceptance and show me that you care!!! You might feel it, but if you don't tell me or show me, how can I know? Communication, like it isn't hard enough without fibro and the pain that comes with it!!!  Praying that God will show me what direction He wants me to go and that He will put people in my life that will love and care about me, especially with my fibro, cuz the Lord knows I need it!!!

Please, if you have someone in your life that is flaring up or hurting worse than normal and they snap at you, please, remember where they are coming from, most likely from pain and it's GRAY and miserable view that follows it..... it's not personal and deep down, when we are hurting THAT much, we need people in our lives to understand more than ever!!! Need to know your in our corner so to speak!!! Grace, forgiveness and understanding just a few things necessary for dealing with and living with chronic pain and it's ripples that affect life in all ways!!! I hate fibro and wish it would go away, but it won't and acceptance and a wonderful support system is the key!!! Take a moment and let someone you know that's struggling, sick, and/or in pain, that you care about them and make sure their ok!!! sometimes that kind word means more than you'll know!!!

Pain and being sick is very lonely.... thank you for my wonderful family and friends that are in my corner.... I couldn't make it like I do without all of you!!! Hoping my evening goes better than last.... till then, gonna pop some more zinc and vitamins and rest as much as possible.... also, in prayer for God to touch my heart and give me His peace though this and to feel Him in my life more than ever so I don't feel so alone! God is good and His promises are true....(not always on my time)..... Know that no matter what, even if people disappoint me, God never will! To Him be all the glory forever and ever, Amen!!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

little of this, little of that

So I came across a fb site where the gal who runs it and such is in Colorado.... I would so love to have a girlfriend that could understand what I'm going through.... It sucks to feel like those that should care don't.... really?!? anyway.... I am still battling my cold and know that I need to shut this down and go to bed early for once.... even just read about good sleeping habits and my doc has preached it to me several times... so taking the advice, white noise, and my Ella and gonna think good thoughts and try and get the negative out of my mind while thinking of waves and letting the negative go off into the sea.... til next time, try and get some sleep! :)

Saturday, September 17, 2011

crummy cold :(

I have a cold and I feel crummy! I am reading some new books, one is by Phillip Yancy, Where Is God When It Hurts? It looks good and I need to be uplifted.... and I have tried like 3 fictional books and just couldn't get into any..... My Aunt took my girls to sugar beet days, it's a cool craft/vendor fair and they gotta see family (aunts and uncle and cousins!!!) I wish I could have gone, but my fibro, it is flaring and it hurts to just turn, I can't drive, I HURT HURT HURT!!!! taking cold medicine, my meds for pain, and zinc to help fight this off!!! I know that this will pass though and am very grateful to have the wonderful daughters I do. Oh, and wonderful friends and their son, they came over and cooked for me and the girls, it was soooo yummy!!! It was nice! :)  Will be glad to be on the mend and instead of "having" a cold, want to "get over" this cold.......

Friday, September 16, 2011

Fibro Friday: invisible pain week

So this past week was invisible pain awareness week, and for all of us that struggle with chronic "seemingly invisible pain", and all who live with and love those who struggle, it did not go by invisible! And, I did not suffer alone... My fibro friends and family and my fibro website, it has been an incredible journey and it is uniquely mine, yet shared at the same time, that's what pain does, it connects you.... If you have never been around chronic pain or experienced it first hand, well, it can be very lonely and isolating and a good support system is critical!

I must truly say, I have met some wonderful friends online... some, feel like family already! Many and most are wonderful women who suffer from chronic pain and fibro and many other debilitating conditions. Thank you Ladies and family and friends for ALL your support, I can honestly say, I don't feel so alone in my journey and life that is filled with chronic pain and suffering. It is very hard to live with... A regular cold and it's a flare-up for us, a simple walk can cause pain, just holding up our own bodies at time can be more than we can bear and we cry out in pain, from pain, and with a knowing that this is it... bleak, dreary, and depressing.... at times, it can be, there are many many sides of fibro and chronic pain, not all is shown and not all is seen...

Now though, when I am struggling and my fibro is at its worst, and emotionally I feel like I can't take this fibro and pain anymore, I now have a "fibro-family"... And with it being invisible pain awareness week, it has made me aware that I am not alone, I need not feel ashamed and even though I may have limitations, I am not less, if anything, may God be more in me in life's disappointments. Invisible pain week did not go by invisible, and I hope others have learned and seen the same this week!!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

from flu to cold, NOOO!!!!! :P

This morning I was asked, "how are you feeling?" my reply, "if by better you mean not throwing up and falling out of bed, then I'm doing great!" It started last night, and went form 0 to 60 in 2.5 (hours, lol)... It started with a splitting headache, that was soon followed by my stomach feeling yucky, I thought at first it was from the MASSIVE head-splitting-ache, but no, then a fever, then throwing up!!! It was THAT BAD!!! By morning, I think I was done throwing up for the most part, girls went to school and I slept  and slept and rested.... by afternoon I was ready to eat some crackers and drink some apple juice.... by evening, much better, my fibro didn't think so, so took some medicine and took it easy, NOW THOUGH, my nose is drippy and my throat is scratchy... NOOO!!!! not a cold!!! At least the girls have a full day of school tomorrow and I can rest up some... and since it's the weekend, have the girls do some "extra" chores to help out... they are great at pitching in usually when I go down with being sick(er than normal), lol!!! Thanks for letting me vent.... It just sucks to be sick and even worse when we battle to feel good daily! I am so thankful for God and my girls and my family and support system (includes online) and I know that this too shall pass....

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Oh, how I need sleep, wonderful, sweet sleep :P

So I went and got my lower back dolphin worked on today. OMG!! Did I forget HOW much it hurt at first.... got a little one that says, "my gma luvs my tats" on my bumm! It didn't hurt and is too funny!!! The lower back one is a work in progress and I will need one more sitting, I used to be much tougher, but I did do good and was in the chair for about an hour and a half.... could have gone another half hour on shading, but no, not today! It is different.... I am gonna put something cool above it and tie it in.... Hint, Hint, Christmas.... lol

So for as good as it is and yes, getting the tattoo made me happy, I feel so bleck in a way..... can't sleep, have fibro, just been feeling these moodfluxes and think I need to up my effexor,,, I know some, well, a lot of it is going of the fentanyl patch..... It keeps coming and I just cry... it sucks..... and flaring up and pain don't help at all either.... what is wrong with me?!? I also hate being "single". I hate going to bed in an empty bed, I hate that I'm divorced, I hate that I have been left over and over and over and feel this way!!! Yay for blogging.... 8P  2moro I am gonna take an emotional day..... I really feel crummy.... I'd like to put down words of encouragement, but my words even fail me tonight.... alone... another night.... by myself to battle my nightmares alone...feeling alone.... I know that I know that I know that God is right here with me, but I also know depression and how it creeps up and grabs me!!!
(that is how i felt at like 2 am, maybe I shouldn't be online at that time, no wait, I should BE SLEEPING!!!) Sleep is sooo critical for fibro, and I am noticing how it plays on my emotions as well, the more tired, the more emotional....

I am now finishing this blog, is the next day... and I got another tat... a star... blue, for my cowboys... lol! Me and my oldest got matching stars today.... It was definitely a memory we will both NEVER forget... lol.... I once read/heard about the verse where God says our names are inscribed on His palm. Tattoos are not painless and they are indelible (meaning forever marked).

So today I slept a lot. Although I still feel stressed and down and such, and still gonna talk to my doctor when I go, I feel like the wheels are slowing their spin... It really goes to show, don't make decisions when your tired or sick, and more importantly; THE NEED FOR SLEEP... not just to restore our physical health, but for our emotional health as well. Guess that's why they say to not make a "rash decision", to sleep on it, get some rest and put it aside. And for us Christians, we don't have to JUST "set it aside", we can give it to Jesus. And pray for His peace, not ours, not the worlds, BUT HIS PEACE!!

Gonna go to bed early tonight, no caffeine cuz its already almost 6pm (no caffeine after 4pm) and gonna spend the evening with my girls and enjoying the time I have with them... It is cold and gray outside, blah, kinda like I feel, still too tired.... but I am feeling better and I will be ok! :) Really Really need to get back into a good sleep pattern! As tired as I feel right now, I don't think it will be a problem. The only problem would be me procrastinating or getting sucked into tv or internet or.... till next time ~B

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

my tapestry

I posted this to facebook and wanted to share it here.... short and sweet.... (if you know me, well, that's hard to do... the short part... lol)


My life is like a quilted tapestry.With fibro there are lots of dark hues. I can't see the completed tapestry, but even with all the somber shades, it is still a beautiful tapestry! Unique, one of a kind. There has never been and there never will be another tapestry of it's kind! And the best thing about my tapestry, it is held in the hands of my Loving Creator God!! :

Having Fibro and Being a Christian

Fibro, Fibro, go away.... and don't come back another day..... Oh my!! It has been one of those day! I literally hurt from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. It hurt just to pick up a large soda... this is not normal and NOT fun either!! And now, I tried to go to bed, but the pain is shooting and oh, I want it to stop... I hate flare-ups.... I should take a hot shower or bath, but even that takes energy I do not have! I feel very depleted and feel like my fibro has sucked part of my life away... Just standing even took it's toll on my tonight....

I try not to let it, but there are days when it knocks me down and I am not getting up any time soon! I want to sleep, but the pain is throbbing and burning and shooting up my left side... I have had this pain before and have noticed it more and more.... as long as it doesn't lead to the debilitating headaches I used to get!!! If I start to feel like I need to, I will see the specialist to talk about the radio-frequency procedure to deaden my nerves in that area!

It's very hard to feel happy when I hurt this much! When I was "trying" to move around, all I could do was hold my arms up, but even the lightest touch hurt as well.... I just sat down in my room and cried... and prayed.... And YES God is with me, but I am still human and I hurt and I mourn and I cry! What does help me is knowing God sees my tears and is right there beside me, whether I "feel" Him there or not... that doesn't change Who He Is!!

I hate pain days... Not only do I hurt, I am also SOOOO tired! One nice thing with the girls in school, I can rest and sleep... I have noticed mondays are my WORST days.... I was tender the last few days, but today it's like all that tenderness went deep into my musles and skeletal system and is now pushing to get back out, yet stuck, so tight, I keep trying and trying to relax my neck/shoulder muscles, but it hurts to even move it much... especially my left side, it shoots from the neck area (where one of my worst trouble spots/areas are) and it shoots up and down, I can't hardly turn my neck, my mobility sucks, and right now, it just plain sucks!!

I am so blessed to have the support system I do have. Some people may think it's a given that I'll be ok, but I need to hear it. I feel more vulnerable and more emotional when my pain/fibro is flaring up. I appreciate and need all the support I have! Just a word to say, it'll be ok.... thank you to all my wonderful friends, including all the wonderful fellow fibro/chronic pain survivors, and family! You have no idea how much the support is means to me! Well, if it means this much to me, and it means that much to you, then we are mutually supporting one another....Besides sleep, support is a HUGE key in the healing process of fibromyalgia! But Fibro is also very isolating as it hurts to go out. It hurts just to hold yourself up. Being online in facegroup sites and such has been absolutely wonderful for me!! I has been a tremendous help and I am exceeding greatful!

As much as I have fibromyalgia, I am also a Christian. I became a Christian BEFORE I had fibro and like every other relationship in my life, my relationship with Jesus Christ also changed! In some ways it is stronger and in other ways, there are new cracks and misunderstandings... from my part, cuz God is God and God is good and God is love and God doesn't make mistakes... but then why are so many of us hurting or sick or in pain or get cancer or.... I don't know why there is so much bad or even why I have to go through fibro myself, why have all this pain?!? What is the reason Lord?? And I always go back to what I do know; and I know that GOD IS LOVE!! Above all things in my life, I know that I am a child of God-a born again Christian and Who God is and that HE IS LOVE!! His love can NEVER be overstated.... All I can ever do is briefly touch on it as His love is Forever, constant, and without limits or time! He is, He was, and Always will be!! Thank Lord for choosing and loving me! Even though I don't understand all the whys or have all my answers to all my questions, I know You hold me in the palm of Your Hand, my name is inscribed on it, Tattoo'd, marked forever like my name that is proudly in the Book of Life....Thank You Lord for not only saving me for all eternity, but for loving me and giving me purpose, to You be all the glory... In Jesus name, Amen

So tonight, I couldn't sleep, and I started to blog about my fibro and ended up praising God... that's how He works, but in order for God to work in your life, you have to give your life to Him. When we can't go another step, He can. When we have fallen and can't get up for the umpteenth millionth time, he will lift us up and hold us close. It may not be the life I would have chosen, but if this life is what draws me more toward God, then maybe the things I have been blogging and praying are "blessings in disguise". (That is also a song by Laura Blessing and wow, does it touch the heart). My life, my core, is Christ. My body, it's core, fibromyalgia. It is only with God that I make it through this fibro-fogged world of pain, only through Him that I have true and everlasting joy! I can only feel His joy though when I learn to give Him my sorrows....

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

fibro found in a nutshell

I started feeling offish and some aches and muscle spasms 2001, then thru 2003 tests and more tests and lots of research on my part (you definitely have to be a "health-team" WITH your doctor). In 2005 I was officially diagnosed with fibromyalgia. November of 2007 I had a surgery with SEVERAL complications and my life went from manageable to CRAP (that's the nice work) overnite!!! And the pain became beyond intense and my body just fell apart so to speak! The last couple of years I have had good health care, the last year THE BEST!!! and I am doing better and better everyday! My goal is to get to my pre-surgery health.... oh, and I am 35 yrs old and have a 15 yr old and 11 yr old daughterS. The Lord has seen me through so much and continues to move in my life even if I don't feel Him....  This was from the new inspire.com website that I posted and wanted to put it on my blog as it is my timeline so to speak!!! til next time.... 

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

soooo tired-weaning down on patch

I am so tired and dragging and drained..... I am offish.... have been on the 50mcg fentanyl patch and about a week ago tried the 25mcg.... I have been sleeping, and sleeping, and sleeping..... I am assuming it is the switch, and I really want to get down on it.... when I went from 75 to 50 I actually felt better, this time it is harder.... but I am determined and gonna give it my all!!! Nothing to lose except to go back where I started, which is the same, so really, nothing to lose and feeling better to gain! Fentanyl is a strong drug and has some horrible side effects! I realistically think I will be on the 25 patch for quite a while, do NOT want to go through winter without it and I know my body and I do need this little help.... And the patches are WAY smaller and I can find spots on my body for them!! so, I am gonna be optimistic..... only time will tell..... and speaking of sleep, it is calling me.... 'nite all!!!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

On this day.....

So it's that time of year.... a time to celebrate another American tradition.... Labor Day.... I am not in the work force, and on that day the kids are home, so I actually have more "labor"..... and so do the girls... gonna put them to work, hahahaha!!! being the mean mom that I am.... And the only other labor that I could be celebrating is childbirth labor.... That was pure HELL!!! It was THAT bad!!!! I wouldn't go back and not have them, but I would go back and have had planned C-sections with BOTH of them.... the only problem with that type of "labor" celebration is that from that wonderful beautiful moment I brought my wonderful daughters into this world (thank You Lord for them), I have been working ever since.... now I gotta teach my (way too beautiful) 15 yr. old to drive, then there's boys.... oh, boy!!!! That's a whole other blog tho..... =)

I am now a 35 year old woman...... it seems a life-time ago I met, fell in love with, and married my (ex)husband.... I was 16 when we met and he was 20. We had our 1st date right before my 17th birthday (his 21st) and we dated a year and a half and married.... about 2 years later we had our first daughter, 3 yrs 8 months later we had our 2nd daughter. We both knew that we only wanted 2 children and God blessed us immensely more than I could have ever dreamed or imagined! I was 20 when I had my first daughter and JUST turned  when I had my youngest. My whole world has been forever altered. As much as fibro has changed my life, having kids, woah! Completely turned it inside out and upside down and every way in between!! AND IT'S ALL WORTH IT!!! :D  Kids are my reason on this earth to keep going.... Without God I would be a mess, my girls.... they keep me going!! I love them soooo much.... they have no idea!!! I know that as they age and mature they will see it more.... I hope even more though is that as much as I love them, I hope and pray that they know God loves them even more!

Having kids, that's my occupation.... I used to be a wife... now, no.... I never thought for a million years that I would be here in this positon.... divorced, a single mom, failed relationship after relationship.... eeehhhh, it sucks..... If it weren't for God I don't know how people can get through anything in life... cuz it is REALLY   hard sometimes! I became a bride on this day, 17 years ago..... over half a lifetime... And today is Saturday no less.... I think I tried to put it aside, and honestly it has been easier this year, but rite now as I am blogging this I could cry... not because I want my marriage back, just sad to look at the losses, the rubble left behind, the kids, the scars, the hurts, the tears.... If I could go back in time and change things, I would.... and I know that "others" would too, but you can't turn back the hands of time.... you can only go forward... one way and one way only! time accelerates.... going, going, gone....

I know that God will see me through as He has sooo many times before! I pray that God will hold me and those that need Him on this day.... I pray that not only will you bless me and the girls, I also pray that you will bless their father and give him Your comfort and peace this day as well.... Help us all and thank You for being with us and guiding us on this new journey we are on.... Happy Anniversary M, I wish you all the best