cliches' are life's sayings in the trenches

So lately I've been doing some thinking.... well, if you know me, a lot of thinking, my brain spins and spins and spins sometimes..... the docs are trying to stop that and the voices, just kidding, I promise, stop telling me to tell the blog about you, huh, no, I'm NOT listening, I REALLY am kidding!!! I am glad I have a brain that spins and is a little cooky though, not totally crazy, just me!! =)  

So what has my brain been spinning about as of late? Life, love, and liberty? no... ahhh.... it is about my life, my "love life", hahaha!! and liberty, well, I have 1 out of 3 down! I have liberty! My freedom comes from Christ!!! YAY!! And my girls love me, God loves me even more and Ella loves me with every cell in her being, still though, God loves me more.... =) so really, that's 2 out of 3 I have down.... YAY!!! Go God!! I feel better already, so good to see what I do have then focusing on what I don't have......

But lately, in my head is from what someone said... not bad, just was.... "where the rubber meets the road"..... and sit back and watch, and I don't like where the car is going.... and only I can change that.... I can be soooo critical of others.... why don't they do this? Well, they said this..... But one that really does bother me, "I was gonna do such and such, but didn't cuz.... or I thought of that several times, but didn't cuz...... really?!? either do it or don't! and if you don't do it, don't tell me about it! really?!? not cool!! I hate when people say one thing and don't follow through. I once heard a long time ago: "mute the volume and watch the person, you'll know if they do as they say or are full of it". (I paraphrased that, but try it.... omg!!! some people). I wanna believe, but where are you? not here.... and the rubber is meeting the road and where are you?

Then I wonder, am I a hypocrite? Do I practice what I preach? Am I doing and saying two different things? I do try to follow through.... I do try to look inward..... and I do try to practice what I'm preaching..... not just for me, but cuz of my girls.... they are watching and are sponges, they soak up everything I do (not say, DO!). And I guess ultimately, people can say a lot of things and not mean them. I pray that my speech is right and that I do as I say..... I need to be more upfront and just tell people.... such and such, not cool, this and that, what? I am not one to keep silent.... although I know I should keep a roll of duct tape when I interupt my daughter; I'm trying sweetie...lol  

Well, I sure went off track.... I feel much better and know what I need to do and not do, say and not say..... the words that rumble around in my brain may be "just sayings", but they are more... they are words to live by... not just cuz they sound cool.... but there's a reason why they are "life sayings", they are "tried and true"... next time I hear a clique', I will see it differently.... not just the little words making life all better, but because I am not the only one who has ever gone through difficulties and I am never alone!!! And I'm not just saying either..... I know ultimately that my heart belongs to Jesus and He will see me through everything!

just sayin'

Just a quip from facebook...... "Ya know, I'm all about reminiscing... but there are other times when I'd rather walk across rusty razor blades!! please, if your gonna talk about the past, make it positive, otherwise, it's like repeating the offense(s) all over again, with our words.... Just sayin' :) ~God's Word is omnipotent, but our word, super POTENT!!! May our words be uplifting and used for healing not for hurting...." ~B

what do I do?!? well......

So I am sure everyone that is not able to work, whether on disability or not, that we are asked, "what do you do for a living?". When I was married and when my kids were younger, I'd always say housewife, domesticated godess, matriarch, mom, stay-at-home mom, homeschool teacher (did that when my girls were much younger before my health made me unable to do it, but they are doing great with school... at the moment, lol)..... the list goes on and on....  but now that my girls are older, my oldest is 15 and a freshman and my youngest is 11 and in jr high (6th grade)!!! They grew up sooo fast.... I still say I am a mom and stay home, take care of the house, which includes just about everything, lol... now, I'm just reaching out there... but they seem to assume that now that it is just me and the girls and has been for a while and they are older that I should be out working, or at least something part-time.... So, because it's nothing to be ashamed of and I am wanting to reach out there, I say I am unable to work because I have fibromyalgia. Usually people stop there.... most will show sympathy and are very kind, but there will always be some who don't and/or will never ever understand..... Got distracted there, on my "soapbox"....

I want to do what I want to do because I can and it's what I want to do! :)  And what do I want to do? My kids are getting older, but right now at this moment they are still only 11 and 15 (with her permit and still needs mom, hehe), no, but seriously, I want to get back to where I was before my surgery, I want to enjoy the time I have with my girls, I want to enjoy and spend time with family and friends-build and maintain relationships, get well-as good as I can and keep trying to get better.... working on unpacking from a move and rebuilding my life from when it fell apart a few years back.... get well- oh, did I mention that already.... :) can never work too hard on trying to feel better.... The impossible may seem impossible, but you gotta learn to crawl before you can walk. And God's plan is never impossible.... I think sometimes we vear of course and we hit "dead-ends".... not always, cus sometimes the going is hard and our Shepherd carries us.... just some thoughts.....

So right now, I wanna get my life back to pre-surgery, my house put in order, continue to work on my fibro advocacy via writing/online/etc.... and maybe, if it's God's will, I would like to go back to college for journalism and work on writing and reaching out for fibro and chronic pain.... maybe some speaking... reach out.... if that's God's will.... but I know His will is for me to love Him with my whole heart and all my soul, and that is something I need to work on everyday!

Lord, help me to look to you, no matter what, when I'm feeling good and when I'm hurting.... may You guide me down Your path and may I recognize the paths you have set out for me..... Hold me and my family close and may the girls draw ever near to You in all they do! In Jesus name, Amen

clothing trends- a bunch of hype!!

Today's styles are total bogus.... there is a cotton shortage, so you now even get less for more! As my Gma said, "those jeans were so thin, I could spit through them!" So less material for more..... and whats sad, they are passing it off as style! There was an article about it online I read recently but couldn't find it for this blog.... anyway,  Me and my girls went for some "retail therapy" recently and found a fun thrift store.... as we got some great deals and some fun cute styles!! FASHIONS GO OUT OF STYLE, BUT STYLE NEVER GOES OUT OF FASHION!! So next time you see something super fashionable and super pricey, buck the trend and be you!! Have fun with your style.... and tell these labels with all their hype and high prices, we don't need you!! Be you!!! And know that the fashion industry is WHACK!!! (just look at lady gaga, lol)! Just pick up any fashion magazine, yuck, yuck, yuck!!! So be you and find your own style!!!

heres the url from the article online: 

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Higher-prices-the-big-trend-apf-2391795776.html?x=0

BUYER BEWARE!!! 

before you go shopping, check it out for yourself!

Back to School Fashion Trend: Higher Prices

Anne D'Innocenzio, AP Retail Writer, On Friday August 19, 2011, 10:27 am EDT

NEW YORK (AP) -- Stores are trying everything they can think of to disguise the fact that you're going to pay more for clothes this fall.

Some are using less fabric and calling it the new look. Others are adding cheap stitching and trumpeting it as a redesign. And the buttons on that blouse? Chances are you're not going to think it's worth paying several dollars more for the shirt just to have them.

Retailers are raising prices on merchandise an average of 10 percent across-the-board this fall in an effort to offset their rising costs for materials and labor. But merchants are worried that cash-strapped customers who are weighed down by economic woes will balk at price hikes. So, retailers are trying to raise prices without tipping off unsuspecting customers.

"Let the consumer trickery begin," said Brian Sozzi, Wall Street Strategies retail analyst

Retailers have long tried to mask price hikes -- for instance, jacking them up more than needed so that they can offer a "sale" on the higher price. But the new strategies come as merchants' production and labor costs are expected to rise 10 percent to 20 percent in the second half of the year after having remained low during most of the past two decades. Costs can quickly add up: Raw materials account for 25 percent to 50 percent of the cost of producing a garment, while labor ranges from 20 percent to 40 percent, analysts estimate.

Stores already have passed along their rising costs to customers by raising prices on select items. The core Consumer Price Index, which includes spending on everything except food and energy, rose 0.2 percent in July, the Labor Department said Thursday. But now that production costs are going up even higher, merchants are increasing prices on a broader range of merchandise. Because of their concern that shoppers will retreat, though, retailers are treading the line between style, quality and price.

Some merchants are making inexpensive tweaks ---- additional stitching, fake button holes, fancy tags ---- to justify price increases. Those embellishments can add pennies to $1 to the cost of a garment, but retailers can charge $10 more for them, said Marshal Cohen, chief industry analyst with market research firm The NPD Group.

"We're not seeing deflation or inflation; we're seeing con-flation," he said. "Stores are making consumers believe their getting more for their money."

After the price of the fabric for its girl's corduroy pants almost doubled, catalog retailer Lands' End, based in Dodgeville, Wis., raised the price of the pants by $7 to $34.50. The company, a unit of Sears Holdings Corp., also added buttons and stitching on the pockets to dress them up.

"Consumers are going to notice the price differences," said Michele Casper, a Lands' End spokeswoman. "But they are also going to get a lot of added benefits so they know they're not getting short-changed."

Others are taking away things, but marketing it to customers as the latest trend.

Spencer Elmen, owner of Cupid's Lingerie, which operates five stores in Arkansas, said he is seeing more items in his store that are even skimpier than usual, from underwear to mini dresses. He says that's because designers are finding clever ways to conceal the fact that they're clothes have less fabric.

Elmen said $39.99 teddies, which are $5 more than that they were last year, feature a studded heart that gathers up the material to disguise the fact that less fabric is being used. He also noted that the corsets with fishnet patterns are priced about 5 percent more at about $49, even though they also have less material.

"They're just being more creative with less fabric," Elmen said.

Teen retailer Abercrombie & Fitch is advertising "Redesigned 2012" jean collection in its stores and on its website, touting that the jeans are "softer, with the perfect amount of stretch." They're also mostly priced between $78 and $88, about $10 more than last year, according to Jennifer Black, who heads up research firm Jennifer Black & Associates.

Sozzi, the Wall Street Strategies retail analyst, examined the jeans and believes they are "thinner" and of "cheaper quality." That extra stretch, he says, simply could mean the retailer is saving costs by using less denim.

Eric Cerny, an Abercrombie & Fitch spokesman, declined to comment. But Cerny reiterated what executives told investors in recent months: the bulk of increases on items will start to happen in September and the chain will not sacrifice quality to achieve cost reductions.

Bill Melnick, director of strategic planning at SAI Marketing, which studies consumer behavior at major consumer brands, said most shoppers may not notice retailers' tactics to disguise prices. But he says shoppers won't buy if they can't afford it.

"Shoppers are being pragmatic," he says, nothing that they think "'If it fits into my budget, then it's a sale.'"

Rhonda Sayen, a Stephens City, Va., resident, said she checked out prices on new fall items and noticed jeans that were about $40 a year ago are now closer to $60. She also said she's spotted lower quality T-shirts at some of the stores.

"I know prices have changed," said Sayen, who added that she and her husband are sticking to a $400 budget for clothing and supplies for her four children ages 3 to 18. "You ain't fooling me."

Whole lotta of everything and a little bit of sumthin

So today is Thursday, August 25, 2011. My babies went started school today... my oldest in high school and my youngest in jr. high this year!! Where has the time flown by!! I look at my youngest an remember when my oldest was that age. I was soo sick back then, I actually apologized to her for not being able to be there for her like I wanted to be. From surgery complications to my fibro going NUTS to their father leaving and up and joining the military when I was in the hospital unable to even take care of myself, let alone 2 small children! Needless to say, that time period was one of the hardest things I have ever endured. It lasted WAY to long with the LACK OF DOCTOR care (back then, now, thank you Dr. M, I love you, your the best!!) and everything my body and spirit went through..... 


Yesterday, Wed the 24th of Aug, I woke up around 6 am with the worst migraine I've had in years. When I say bad, I mean BAD!!!! Me and the girls had haircuts and we couldn't miss them (school started today and we were looking shaggy), so while the older girls were getting their haircuts, I took my youngest to get a pair of shoes for school that she needed. We were right next door to Maurices (my favorite clothing store) AND I even have a $5 coupon, and I didn't even go in.... that's how sick I was!! 


The migraine came from a combination of things... all of them rolling together to form "A Perfect Storm", well, perfectly AWFUL!!! I overdid it, the temps were over 100 degrees and I was out and running errands in it, drinking too much coffee (in the form of my yummy fraps).... and I was sooo busy getting everything ready for the girls to go back to school.... they were busy too.... and I went a little "manicy", I hate admitting it, and I hate seeing it in myself even worse, but I know I struggle with bi-polar. It is something that I know how to manage and facing it is the first step.... going back to my "storm in my head", better today, but I slept and slept and slept.... and better.... yay!! 


I can't believe how busy I've been or how sick I got or how big my girls are and life.... been a crazy couple days and filled with pain and disappointment, but there was good as well, the girls liked their new schools!! As scary as it was, and as emotional as it was, it was good.


I thank the Lord for such amazing and wonderful daughters and thank Him for my doctor I have and that I am feeling better and for the chance to rest. As for my fibro and bi-polar, I thank God that He holds me close and never ever lets me go.... with Him I can make it through anything, but without Him, I have nothing and couldn't make it through anything!! HE IS.... EVERY REASON..... til next time... in His loving arms.....  ~B

hurt but gotta stretch!!

EHHH!! I have been hurting and soar the last couple of days!supposed to get up and move around& push through&the aches will improve, but ahhh, how do you move when all you wanna do is curl up and stay in bed! My kids(2 beautiful daughters)start school again thurs this week so in 3 days,quiet! Quiet not only heard, but felt and even tasted... lol!gettin em' ready&. and then, I can rest.... and stretch.... gonna try and take back up yoga!! That is my goal for when the girls go back to school...:D

Fibro and Sleep

Sleep
If you find that you are sleeping poorly, you're not alone. With Fibro, pain and poor sleep happen in a circle. Each worsens the other. Fortunately, there is a lot you can do to help yourself sleep better. The National Fibromyalgia Association, the National Pain Foundation, the National Sleep Foundation, and other expert organizations recommend the following steps to help people sleep:
Stick to a sleep schedule. If you go to bed at the same time every night, your body will get used to falling asleep at that time. So choose a time and stay with it, even on weekends
Keep it cool. When a room is too warm, people wake up more often and sleep less deeply. According to the National Sleep Foundation, studies show that you're likely to sleep better in a room that's on the cool side. So try turning down the thermostat and/or keeping a fan on hand
As evening approaches, cut out the caffeine. Caffeine has a wake-up effect that lasts. It's best to avoid it well before bedtime. That includes not just coffee, but also tea, colas, and/or chocolate
Avoid alcohol before bed. That “nightcap” may make you sleepy at first. But as your blood alcohol levels drop, it has the opposite effect. You may find yourself wide awake
Exercise in the afternoon. Afternoon exercise may help you sleep more deeply. But exercising before bedtime can make it harder to fall asleep
Nap if you need to, but be brief. If you're so tired that you must take a nap, set the alarm for 20 minutes. Snooze any longer and you may have trouble falling asleep at night
Make your room a relaxing refuge. Treat yourself to comfortable bedclothes and snuggly pajamas. A white-noise machine or fan may help you fall asleep to a soothing background sound
Develop a relaxing bedtime routine. Reading helps some people fall asleep. So does listening to soft music. Do whatever works for you. But try to follow the same routine every night to signal your body that it's time for sleep
from the website www.fibrocenter.com

Shelter Under God's Umbrella

"Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly....and if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever meant to fly in the first place.' Wm Paul Young

I pray that none of us will forget what God has for us.... We may not always know where He is leading us, but we do know that He loves us! And HIS love IS enough.... I pray that those in pain will feel His hand of comfort and peace, even in the dark, the storms, the winds are blowing.... HOLD ON THIS HIS HAND!!! Sometimes, life can be so hard, that having Him is what gets us through.... only His peace is real! Hang in there and I pray you will let God be your umbrella in whatever storm you are in!

heartbreak and free will

They say love worth the risk, but is it worth the heartbreak? I call upon the Lord for an answer and I don't know what direction He has? I thought I had, the the floor gave way from under me and I fell hard! And even now, I feel the breaks from the fall, I can feel the pain creeping in like on a cold, gray, misty morning. Heartbreak was my worst enemy, yet it grabs me and keeps my close like a best friend.

The Lord says He has plans for me, yet there is free will as well. What direction does He want me to go? What are His plans for me? Where do I go from here? What am I supposed to do? Pray, and sit quietly and listen.... easier said than done! I am terrified! Scared to death!! My heart can't getting broke again! Am I looking for an out? Can I just curl up in bed and stay there forever? I am so afraid of making the wrong decision. I think I have it right, and bamm! Life hits! Life hurts! And then I am back to heartbreak.... left alone with just my hurts and regrets.... regrets that I ever let them in to hurt me, regrets that I got God's will wrong, regrets that I should have done this or done that... regrets.... and then I give those to God... Only He can truely heal.... They say time heals all wounds, but without God I'd be bitter, only He has made me better...

With all my heart I believe I was put on this earth to be a mom and "break the cycle". Life is hard... not what I thought it'd be when I was little....but God chose me for this and I am thankful as well....

It's not just me to consider... The girls as well.....

Its me, I am scared to death! I am terrified!! I don't want to take the easy way out... I want to follow what God has for me, but I don't know know what or who He has for my life....

I know I have free choice and God has a plan for me... Is His plan based on my choices or are my choices supposes to be based on God's plan. But how do I know His plan for me.... I cry out to the Lord only to be met with silence.... I need a touch from God and show me what and/or who You have in store for me. My heart can't handled being broke again.... I have nothing to offer but me... and my babies come with me of course.... I know that I want to follow the Lord, but right now things are a little muddled and I need an answer... Gonna pray, pray, pray, pray.... and listen, listen, listen.....

Lord, help me first and for most to love You... may the decisions you put before me come from that... I know you only want what best for me... plans to prosper and not harm me... You love me with an Agape' love... In my best interest.... and now Lord, please show me what is in my best interest....Guide me and show me what is best for me... help me to make the right decisions for not just me, but for my girls as well..... in Jesus name, Amen


Aug.18 Thank You Lord for answering my prayer and giving me your peace! Gotta get some sleep, more later =D

Aug. 19 Thank you Lord for answering my prayer.... may you continue to guide me in all my ways and direct my paths, but also help me to just live one day at a time.... to learn to trust You, not just in the big things, but also the little things as well.... I pray that You continue to guide me and thank You for giving me Your peace and guiding me where You have... Please hold and keep me and my family close and safe.... and may we become more like You.... In Jesus name, Amen

let go and let God

Jesus said, all who are weary, come to me and I will give you rest..... sometimes it feels we are all alone and too weary to go another step, where is our rest sumtimes? It's only a prayer away..... and even if you have prayed once or 100 times, and even though seems or circumstances don't seem to change, He is ever there and always present!! Pray for His peace, cus with fibro or any other disease, it is the opposite of peace.... it is not fun and not fair!!! but God's peace can get you through..... not the worlds happiness or it's false peace, but His.... knowing you can't carry the burden alone and giving it to Him.... We are never alone and even when it doesn't feel like, God hears our cries..... He just doesnt answer on our time or even our terms sometimes.... sometimes you gotta just let go and let God!! =)

from the chronic pain support group on fb

THE GOAL AND LONG VERSION FOR MY CHRONIC PAIN SUPPORT GROUP ON FB: This is a group that is formed with and for all the wonderful facebook friends that suffer with chronic pain. I, myself, have fibromyalgia, I srtruggled with declining health from approx. 2001-2003.... just little stuff at first.... then from 2003-2005 I started really struggling with pain and fatigue, but especially pain, back, HIPS, shoulder/neck area..... had tried different treatment and such and doctored for a while.... and in June of 2005 I was officially diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Had a good doctor(s) and within a couple years was doing really well.... then I had a surgery go TERRIBLY wrong in nov of 2007 and was critical but stable and it was very scary..... The situation went from bad to worse, but after several surgeries and vanco, I recovered from that approx feb 2008.... at this point my fibro was flaring like no other, my doctor left, and I had NO HELP!! IT WAS THAT BAD!!! by the late summer/fall of 2009 I finally found a doctor and went on the patch.... It saved my life when I needed it! I also did sum non surgical treatments and while those were very painful, I did get much relief.... Now finally summer of 2011 I can say I am getting there!!! I was on the 75 mcg fentanyl patch, and now, down to 50.... less pill, and doing my treatments.... I have been so blessed with my wonderful, compassionate, and understanding doctor!! I can truely say I feel like we are a "health team" and she has my back!!!! I hope and pray everyone suffering can find good help, which is rare and hard to find..... but here is a safe place to vent and share and be uplifted and encouraged!!! Hang in there and God bless.....

Doctors, cruelty, and disability

THIS WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN IN A RESPONSE TO FACE BOOK ABOUT VENTING ABOUT DOCTOR EXPERIENCES.....
Doctors can be soooo cruel!!!! It seems like for every 8-9 bads ones, there are only 1-2 good ones.... and those are few and far between and hard to find and when you do, they are not taking patients cuz they r so good and work with people.... the last doc said I just needed to get off all narcotics and grin and bear it.... Really?!? Dont they think we want off them too? I am so thankful for my fentanyl, but I would give it up for a cure/no more pain in a heartbeat!!! The worst was the one that when I went for my disability (I got it eventually,yay,praise!!) ... I was telling him bout my pain, my trigger point injections, sum epidurals/blocks... and I said, no person wants this, but I hurt and need help... he said, "you would be surprised to see what some people will go through so they don't have to work".... I said, well, no sane person would want to go through this.... just cuz... working would be "heaven".... I wish I could.... hang in there everyone..... *I will say though, he did listen cuz he did write me a favorable review.... which social security said still wasnt enuf... so y did you send me to him? I got the obligatory denial letter and actually went to our state congresswoman with a "request to look into my case", I sent TONS of dr info and a letter that pleaded for help.... I got my approval 2 weeks after I wrote and did the paperwork to/for the congresswoman! Hope that helps anyone else trying for their disability..... hang in there everyone!!!
AND THEN I COMMENTED ON MY NOTE:
the pain somedays IS THAT BAD.... stress and not sleeping only make it worse and when they act like pompus jerks how do they think that effects us? My ABSOLUTE worse... a nurse practitioner told me it was all in my head and what was I teaching my children and how could i settle like this and have nothing... I never went back to that clinic again and called and complained like no other!! I seriously cried for like a week over her.... that was a few years ago, shortly after a surgery with horrible complications and I was soooo sick!!! It was bad and she made it TERRIBLE!!! Supposed to be there to help, but unfortunately too many times they only hinder people and make us feel crazy and like a loser..... were not!!! and we can't let other people have that power over us.... thanks again for another vent session!!! must be the heat making me cranky....
I do have to say though.... rite now I have a wonderful internist doctor (woman) who is very understanding and supportive and I see her monthly and feel like we are a team and she is on my side!!! I can honestly say I am doing better.... or I wouldnt have been able to go down to the 50 mcg patch.... b4 my screwed up surgery, I was down to 1-2 vicoden on my best day and 3-4 on my worser ones....I really do hope that I can be there again..... One step at a time to climb ANY mountain.... and at least rite now, I have a great guide... Thanks Dr. M!! :) your the best!

Running to Nowhere

It is nearly 4 am and I can't sleep.... at all!!! I find myself sinking into a pit of despair and depression, intermixed with times of mania.... I am having a nervous breakdown! Really, I am... and idk if its as much as me or my brain chemistry.... I should be happy, or feel more happiness than I do about things.... cus when I'm alone with my thoughts, they run deep and I am scared! Am I running away from something, too afraid to run into the new, or do I just feel stuck in the mire of indecision? Have I been running.... so angry.... fight with every last drop of blood I have, yet get me nowhere... nowhere except exhausted, hurt, bloodied, and bruised! Can I feel things I never thought I would? Am I beyond repair? What do I want? Where do I want to go/be? Am I fighting my own feelings? Are they real, guilt, fear, scared? Are my scars to deep to ever fully open up.... Is this God calling me? At my end with nothing, BUT GOD!!!! But God, it's also very hard!!! My confusion runs deep, I can't sleep, can't rest, hurts to feel..... I cried and cried and cried and...... that was tonight... yet I hide it from the world... even my girls.... only God and my tears keep me company tonight! I feel like an emotional mess inside.... but whats even worse, I hurt on the outside... The pain as I move, shoots and radiates up and I feel the effects of fibromyalgia today..... my old enemy yet is always with me, pain.... my foe or friend? how do you make peace with pain? but isn't ironic that what we all want is peace and to get along... yet we FIGHT to gain PEACE?!? hmmmmm....Its an all to familiar pain, managed, yet always present, and until I quit running and stop and deal, the pain will continue to linger..... until finally, I feel like I have been emotionally eaten alive! When will I stop running and deal with my emotions.... can I? how thick and tall are my walls? Is it too late? what do I have to offer? pain, hurt, failure.... or the moments when I am making it through.... nobody sees this side..... where I hate my life at times! I wish I didn't.... I miss feeling close to God..... Is it Him, His calling--is that what I am running from..... I am so scared of hurting that I run in place and get nowhere.... except more pain and more running and more fear and more pain and ..... the cycle won't stop until I stop and deal with my heart and my hurts....