Friday, October 28, 2011

On Abuse


On abuse:

"The younger the victim, the more vulnerable he is. The more developmental skills and life experiences uncontaminated by trauma a child has, the more he has to draw on in the face of trauma. When life goes well, and children are loved and protected, each day is like a deposit in a savings account. Neglect, repeated physical abuse or sexual assault...or other life-threatening events, make huge withdrawals on the account. The more a child has in the bank when the trauma occurs, the better the prognosis for a quick recovery. Small children who are repeatedly traumatized usually have few deposits and easily become emotionally bankrupt. 

In troubled families, the thinking around who is responsible is convoluted at best. Abusive parents externalize, blaming other people, places and things for their behavior. They compensate by controlling everyone around them. But...in their heart of hearts...they feel out of control. They must blame others because it is too painful to take responsibility for their unhappiness. Children are easy targets because they cannot challenge their parent's thinking errors. Few children can argue when facing an enraged mother. Hearing accusations often enough, children come to believe that they are responsible for their parent's troubled behavior.

Feelings begin in the body, not in the mind. Many survivors say, "I know what happened wasn't my fault, but I still feel somewhat unlovable and damaged. My self-worth is measured by how other people see me. My head knows that is wrong, but my heart feels differently. Thinking comes much more easily to me...it's still a big risk to feel. If I ever started to cry, I'd cry a river. If I ever felt the terror of it all, I'd disintegrate into nothingness."

Beyond teaching children to recognize and articulate their feelings, parents help children to contain and express feelings constructively. When children do not learn how to do this they may become overwhelmed by them, experiencing them as floods. They may come to fear or loathe their feelings.

Adults from abusive homes can also become pain-avoidant. Survivors attempt to control the people and events around them so that they will never feel pain again.

What is most tragic about pain-avoidant behavior is that it is a defense against something that has already happened and cannot be undone. A survivor cannot live fully in the present until he or she has the past in perspective. Sometimes being preoccupied and defensive about the pain waiting in the future is just a distraction from addressing the real pain in the past.

To be intimate is to risk pain. There are no guanantees. To miss years of loving to avoid the pain of loss is too high a price to pay.

When the losses engendered by trauma are fully mourned, the trauma loses its power over the survivor. Instead of the emotional breakdown they feared...survivors experience an emotional breakthrough! Completing the grieving process means divorcing the trauma from one's sense of identity and self-worth. 

(from the blog: http://adultsurvivors.blogspot.com/)

*I am currently looking to see if there is a link between fibro/chronic pain and childhood abuse. Also, I have really been struggling lately... i don't know if it's cuz my girls are the age I was when it was hell, or if it's cuz in breaking the cycle I see all I endured and who my mother is now.... I am going to look into some counseling and have an appt tomorrow to check into it. ~B

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Monday's day

Today is Monday... the start of the business work.... well, I had some personal business I had to do.... I had to tell someone that I cared about a lot that things can't go a certain way (at least for now), but I must say I was MORE than respected!!! It is hard to have to tell people things you know they don't want to hear and you don't want to have to say either.... but whether it be family, kids, health, timing>your's and/or God's, it is a time to heal for everyone..... but what they respect, is PLZ, tell me what's up!! They would rather hear the truth that be blown off..... I know I would.... I prayed and asked God for the words and it worked out.... and I am honestly glad I got my moxy and addressed the issue! God knows what He is doing and I am s

Same holds true for fibro.... I am NOT ashamed of my limitations, I am proud of what I do get accomplished! If someone can not deal with the fact that it is a day by day thing with planning, especially now with this "protruding disc" in my neck I am also struggling with..... even right I am feeling my a limitation..... I am gonna fall asleep sitting up here on the couch on my laptop, and that isn't good for fibro either.....

So to sum it all up, Jesus tells us to treat others like we would want to be treated and the truth will set us free.... and as we act upon His words, may He guide us and may we know His direction for our lives, lives WITH fibro, but still fill of life!!

Tx for reading! =)

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Who I am in Christ

I sit here and think how different my life is now then when I was a kid..... boy have I grown up.... in SO many ways! Emotionally, life sucked for me growing up, it was just me and my single mom, and I don't say this with hatred, but she is crazy and it makes me sad but I can't have a relationship with her....

With all of my heart I believe God's purpose, His plan.... what He called me for; to break the cycle! And with His help, and only cuz of Him, I have made it... I still have room to grow, but I did this! Not by myself and not of myself, GO GOD!!! Only He can truly change the heart....

I look back at who I once was, an I don't even recognize her... I am now His, well, I was always His, I just didn't see it sometimes cuz of my stubborn heart! But God chose me, called me, and He will NEVER let me or my girls go.... He holds us close in His hand and with Him.

I can also say I forgive my mom, and even my birth-father.... His forgiveness, His love, all He asks, is that I give Him my heart, and He promises to love me forever and never let me go!!! God's love is so unfathomable!!!! And He is why I am who I am and who I'm gonna be! Without Him, I would have nothing to hope in, but with Him, I have true joy and love that can only be found IN HIM!

I love you Lord and thank you for saving me not only from my past, but also saving me from myself, and who I would be without You..... You make me a loving and caring mom and I couldn't ask for better kids either! Thank you Lord for never giving up and for holding and keeping "our little family" together in Your arms, where we are safe, forever and ever....Amen      ~B

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

protruding disc :\

MY ORIG POST, AND my friends in my chronic pain group(s) are WONDERFUL!!!

So I saw my doc today.... went well, trying a new 24 hour muscle relaxer (it's an older one, not supposed to make people as tired), will let you all know... AND WE LOOKED AT MY MRI, I knew I wasn't crazy, It shows disc protrusion between my C3 and C4 (in the neck) and it's bulging TO THE LEFT! Right where I feel the pain!!With fibro I am not a good candidate for surgery (with my fibro), nerve block (done them before) is what I will be looking into,AND I'm not as bad AS I WAS 2 years ago, so the recovery and such would hopefully be a lot better this time.... I have done the physical therapy, and that is TOO aggressive, does anyone have any stretches to push that disc back? It would be nice to actually fix this, not just block it if at all possible. (*I will be looking at the specialist the first part of January, doing some local shots here on the 1st of November and wanna wait til after the holidays, cuz the nerve blocks take a while while your nerve endings SLOWLY continue to die over a few week period, not fun!)

My Response to all their wonderful help and words of encouragement!

Ty everyone..... I am just feeling "blah" about it right now.... I mean, my fibro is getting managed, but this neck crap, ha!!! I wish I could just fix it, but no, gotta love fibro <insert sarcasm here>. The new muscle relaxer, actually it's an oldie, 24 hours and not supposed to make you tired, i took it this afternoon and still feel ok, similar to skelaxin i would say.... it is called, "Piroxicam". Oh, and to top it all off, my doc is preg (and i am SO happy for her, but she is gonna be gone from Jan 1st -April 1st) I asked her about it and she said they were gonna have a fill in..... praying for a good doc, even half as good as her! :\



*(This was what I posted on FB tonight).... I really wish and pray for healing.... I would love to see my fibro go into remission!!!!! One day and one step at a time! 

Monday, October 17, 2011

fentanyl patch tips

Today I'm just touching on the topic of the fentanyl patch and some tips for it.... Some I learned the hard way! :\

1. NEVER put the fentanyl patch on tattoo'd skin. It should NEVER go directly on the tattoo. Mine literally opened up the tattoo, burned and ate at it a bit... took it off quick and have been careful ever since.

 2. IF you should need tape to help hold on the patch, make sure it's BREATHABLE tape. If it can't breath, you can/will overdose and oh boy, you feel sick, weak, light-headed and sweat A LOT!! The tape I use is 3M flexible clear tape (3/4"). They do NOT carry it at our wal-mart here, but they do at the pharmacies including Walgreens.

3. The tape residue can get stuck on and hard to come off. They carry little "wipie-things" to wipe off the goo, but I have not used it yet, have heard ladies that have and they say they work really good. (I just heard about them a couple weeks ago, and haven't bought them yet as they are pretty expensive. I was told they were cheaper online.) The name brand is uni-patch adhesive remover wipes, and I found them in a google search and on ebay.
SINCE I DON'T HAVE THE WIPE-OFF GOO PADS, I USE: neosporin (the generic kind) or Eucerin AQUAPHOR healing ointment. I rub it on the area really good, wait/let it set a few minutes, and the goo will gently scrape/wipe off.

4. My skin is sensitive and I personally change my patch every 48 hours. The recommend dosage is every 72 hours, so this is something you need to ask your doctor about. I know for me, it's not just that the patch seems to wear off more on the 3rd day, but by the end of day 2, I am ready to rip off the old patch, it itches!!

5. Make sure to dispose of your old patches properly. I flush mine usually, but if that is not an option, I have a large empty prescription bottle that I put my discarded patches in. They NEVER go directly in the trash, not just for kids, but because of my PETS.

These are just a few simple tips for those of us that use/are on the fentanyl patch for chronic pain and need round the clock pain medication.  To all my fellow chronic pain and fibro warriors, hang in there and hope that as you are reading this, you are feeling relatively well. God Bless!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

mini epiphany

Of all the things in life I have learned the most, is that life is gonna change and you gotta be able to go with it.... sometimes, you never know where it will take you... :)

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Physical Dependence, Addiction, and Tolerance


This explains the differences really well: 

Physical Dependence, Addiction, and Tolerance
As more doctors begin to consider a trial of opioid therapy for patients with chronic noncancer pain, the need to eliminate the stigma, the myths, and the misconceptions that surround these drugs is a priority. Pain specialists have been working toward this goal. The following are some key points about opioid therapy:

Many people confuse physical dependence, which is the occurrence of withdrawal when the drug is stopped, with addiction. Withdrawal is a physical phenomenon that means that the body has adapted to the drug in such a way that a "rebound" occurs when the drug is suddenly stopped. The kind of symptoms that occur include rapid pulse, sweating, nausea and vomiting, diarrhea, runny nose, "gooseflesh," and anxiety. All people who take opioids for a period of time can potentially have this withdrawal syndrome if the drug is stopped or the dose is suddenly lowered. This is not a problem as long as it is prevented by avoiding sudden reductions in the dose. 

Physical dependence is entirely different from addiction. Addiction is defined by a loss of control over the drug, compulsive use of the drug, and continued use of the drug even if it is harming the person or others. People who become addicted often deny that they have a problem, even as they desperately try to maintain the supply of the drug.

Addiction is a "biopsychosocial" disease. This means that most people who become addicted to drugs are probably predisposed (it is in the genes) but only develop the problem if they have access to the drug and take it at a time and in a way that leaves them vulnerable. A very large experience in the treatment of patients with chronic pain indicates that the risk of addiction among people with no prior history of substance abuse who are given an opioid for pain is very low. The history of substance abuse doesn't mean that a patient should never get an opioid for pain, but does suggest that the doctor must be very cautious when prescribing and monitoring this therapy. 

People with chronic pain should understand the difference between physical dependence and addiction. Unreasonable fears about addiction should not be the reason that doctors refuse this therapy or patients refuse to take it. 

Tolerance to opioid drugs occurs but is seldom a clinical problem. Tolerance means that taking the drug changes the body in such a way that the drug loses its effect over time. If the effect that is lost is a side effect, like sleepiness, tolerance is a good thing. If the effect is pain relief, tolerance is a problem. Fortunately, a very large experience indicates that most patients can reach a favorable balance between pain relief and side effects then stabilize at this dose for a long period of time. If doses need to be increased because pain returns, it is more commonly due to worsening of the painful disease than it is to tolerance. 

Although opioids can make people sleepy and cloud their thinking, this side effect is usually temporary and long-term therapy is usually associated with normal thinking. Many people fear that taking an opioid will cause them to become "a zombie," unable to function even if the pain is relieved. Fortunately, this is not the case. Most patients can take these drugs for a long period of time and be mentally normal. Patients who have been stabilized on opioid therapy and are clearheaded can drive, work, and do whatever else is necessary. 

Opioid drugs are not a cure-all. Although pain specialists now believe that many patients can benefit from this therapy, they also recognize that some patients do poorly. Some patients experience sleepiness or mental clouding that never clears, and still others develop persistent nausea or severe constipation. Some patients actually do not function well when treated with these drugs. Finally, some cannot be responsible drug takers; rarely, a true addiction develops. 

For all these reasons, chronic opioid therapy is generally not a first-line treatment for patients with persistent pain. Each patient who is a possible candidate should be evaluated by a professional who is knowledgeable about the use of this therapy.

Patients who receive a trial of an opioid drug should expect to be carefully monitored by their physicians. Any patient given opioid drugs to treat pain should follow the doctor's prescription exactly. Patients should never increase the dose on their own. They should never go to another physician to get prescriptions and should always be completely honest in reporting the effects produced by the drug. 

The physician will inquire about pain relief; side effects; the ability to function physically, psychologically and socially; and the occurrence of any behavior that suggests problems in controlling the medication. For some patients, very intensive monitoring is appropriate; for others, monitoring can be less intensive. 

Some doctors will want the patient to agree to a contract that describes the patient's responsibilities when taking the drug. Some physicians will even want to monitor the patient's urine to make sure that the patient is taking only the drugs that should be taken. A physician may want these things to feel secure in the knowledge that the patient is appropriately using the drug. When the physician is able to have this security, he or she is free to act in the patient's best interests. A good relationship between the physician and patient is needed for long term opioid therapy to be successful.

The drugs that are now used to treat chronic pain include morphine, hydromorphone, oxycodone, fentanyl, methadone and others. Some opioids, like codeine and hydrocodone, are usually prescribed in combination with acetaminophen or aspirin. Although the latter drugs are sometimes used for chronic pain, long-acting drugs are generally preferred. These long-acting drugs can be taken twice a day, once a day or, in the case of the fentanyl, by patch. 

Although some people believe that opioid drugs are only appropriate for certain kinds of pain, doctors are unable to accurately predict which pain problems will not respond.

Each opioid produces a different range of effects in each individual. The same person may get too sleepy from morphine but experience very little sleepiness from oxycodone, or vice versa. For this reason, many pain specialists are now suggesting that patients with chronic noncancer pain be given an opportunity to try different commercially available opioid drugs in order to find the drug that produces the most favorable balance between pain relief and side effects. 

Regardless of the opioid, the dose often has to be adjusted to get the best effect. Patients should understand that adjustment of the dose and the use of other medicines, like laxatives, to treat side effects are a common part of therapy.

http://www.stoppain.org/pain_medicine/content/medication/opioids.asp#physical   (copied the above this site/url)  
http://www.stoppain.org/- main website with above info

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Annie Johnson Flint and Pressed

My aunt introduced me to Annie Johnson Flint.... I had never heard of her til recently, she was a woman who's mother died giving birth to her little sister, was orphaned, her adoptive parents died.... she had a crummy crummy childhood, but she loved the Lord, and that made life worthwhile, worth living, gave her joy! When she was young and going to college to be a teacher, she started getting crippling pain in her hands and it only got worse and spread til her whole body hurt (major arthritis of some kind) and she eventually couldn't walk and was bedridden.... but through it all, she loved the Lord and He sustained her. It was not EASY in ANY way! But she persevered. I believe she lived in chronic pain for the last 20 years of her life. She eventually passed on of cancer. Her writings and poems are still in existence and circulating. They have helped many countless people.... her story is one of incredible faith!!

Her story is one that touches my life everyday.... Fibromyalgia is a disease of chronic pain that at this time does not have a cure at this time. All I can do is my best to monitor and take care of my health and stay as well as I can... literally ONE day at a time! Her poetry inspired me and I wanted to share it as well.... Definitely one we can relate to!!!

this is a great site for her biography.... http://preceptaustin.org/annie_johnson_flint's_biography.htm
Annie Johnson Flint- "Pressed"

Pressed out of measure and pressed to all length;
Pressed so intensely it seems, beyond strength!
Pressed in the body and pressed in the soul;
Pressed in the mind till the dark surges roll.
Pressure by foes, and pressure by friends;
Pressure on pressure, till life nearly ends!
Pressed into knowing no helper but God;
Pressed into loving the Staff and the Rod!
Pressed into Liberty where nothing clings;
Pressed into faith for impossible things!
Pressed into tasting the joy of the Lord;
Pressed into living a Christ-Life outpoured!"

Monday, October 3, 2011

flare feels like the flu

ahhhhh, I take a few slow deep relaxing breathes..... it has been a long weekend....actually, it's been a long few days, and even WEEKS! Today, I slept ALOT. and I mean ALOT! I was able to do this because the girl's father took our youngest out to pizza hut (for some much craved wings) and then to his place and played some hard brain-teaser game online (it is for smart people, they think it's fun, it is hard, lol). And my oldest, ahhh, she was chillin' here at home, reading, and reading, and reading, and ..... she found out she has a report due on Wednesday and she had to finish her book, she spent 9 hours reading today. I spent that time sleeping.... I got up for a little while and bugged her, but she did it!!

This weekend I can truly say has been a fibro one! That is NOT a good thing. I am stronger than fibro, and I do win the war, but right now it feels like fibro has the upper-hand in "this war"! This afternoon, after I had got up for a while, well, been awake, moving, huh, that took more effort!! So I woke up, and stretched and finally sat up. I was sitting on the edge of the bed, getting up was gonna be a "mini battle" itself, and thought, "Man, it feels like I have the flu. I am tired, worn out, hurting, aching, some headache, and even feel feverish." And so I sat there and thought, "Hmm, could I have the flu." And then I went over my symptoms and thought about how I was feeling. "Fibro-flare, not a flu, but it feels like one." I remember feeling defeated and exhausted, but also thankful that I had the day to nap and rest. And I did just that. I rested, and rested, and.....

Today fibro might have got me, but it can only have my body. I will not let it destroy me! For me to say it will not have me period, no, that's not accurate. Fibro does have and will have a place in my life. A very prominent place that my life revolves around in so many ways. From the little things like trying to vacuum, do laundry, cooking and shopping to the big things like going on trips, planning events, and big celebrations and such. It creeps into EVERY area, small to large, which includes life's medium, like mowing the yard (to me, that is big, cuz I ain't even gonna get that baby started!).  (I have a wonderful person in my life and I am so thankful for all the help on my yard this year.)

I did get a lot accomplished when I was up today.... spent time with the girls, friends, subway, frap, washed a few loads of laundry, organized lists in the house, did the budget and bills, organized papers and even got my thoughts out on here..... I am getting there.... one step at a time.... (I notice that I say that ALOT).... my new mantra?? I am finally super sleepy and my baby (Ella ) is whining that it is time for bed, so gonna log off and shut down.... tomorrow is a new day.... :) Nite'